Abstract:
This paper was written to show the technique of self-reflection exercises in therapy. The client should write out their major life events as they see them, but in a reflective style to analyse their self image, as part of how they see their life. The therapist in turn can use this type of self-reflecting essay to understand the clients thought processes and perhaps an insight into faulty thinking and behavioural adaptations to life events. The following essay is a true story and in the clients own words. As a therapist or someone interested in psychological thought process and analysis the reader should stay emotionally removed in the first reading. By this I mean read as if you are trying to understand the life-story of the client. In a second reading you should look for the significance in the writer's comments and thought processes. Therapists, counsellors and psychologists may then try to answer the question of how they would treat this client if he came to them for help in understanding his behaviour over the years and how he could seek a more stable life-style. The names of the real people have been removed and substitutes inserted with some re-writing for clarity by the author.
Self Reflections of Love and Suffering
Two thoughts have crossed my mind in the last few days that I feel I should commit to paper before they scatter from my mind like leaves in an autumn wind. The first is my language - it came to me that when I was younger I had two fears about language the first being I could not spell very well and tended to be forced to write a short word that I was confident with, rather than a long word that expressed my meaning better but was fearful that I misunderstood its true meaning or that I could not pronounce or write it correctly. The second was in my speech, I knew I wanted to express myself in extended words but again used restricted language to talk. I knew the words but were afraid to speak them in case I appeared foolish or beyond my station. I think the timidity of language came about because I always felt I was special in someway over those people that I associated with. I think therefore I talked my language down in order to fit in with those who seemed to be my acquaintances. As time has gone by and my education has expanded by University and life experience, I now use longer words and more expressive ones than in my youth. However as a teacher I have always had the knack of talking to students at their level just as I did when young to my friends and associates of the time. I learned journalism when in my early twenties and it taught me to write short sentences with no adjectives or flourish of language, but to tell the story straight forwardly and clear. Later when I become a teacher this helped me to write better papers that expressed my meaning without opinion of fancy. I start this paper with this insight as an example of quiet suffering in life. What follows then is the suffering at the hands of love and relationships.
The second thoughts were about suffering. I have known two women in my life for a long period of time. Millicent my first wife and Joslin my long term partner, both I loved in my fashion but in these relationships I now think maybe I suffered for a long time without being able to articulate exactly why to myself. I as married to Millicent when we were both 20 years old, (for 10 years) in which time she bore me two daughters. Her family were low working class and she herself was very traditional of that society. Her siblings thought of me as pretentious as I wore a tie and sometimes talked about ambition, to which they connected to an inflated ego and talking beyond my station in life. (That is a peculiar way of saying this today but that is exactly how it felt to me at the time). I too come from a working class family but of a higher status in that my parents read, were home owners, had travelled around the world, my father was a veteran of WW11 and my mother an accomplished writer in her day.
Although by the time I had grown to realise my parent's characters, all this was unknown to me and as a youth I had little interest in my parents as do most boys. So why do I say suffering - maybe because I stayed and put up with the place in life that Millicent and her family deemed was suitable for me. The working in retail or sales, the home owner with the mortgage, the two little girls we brought into the world ( my one great delight as they are now grown women and have turned out so well - despite me abandoning them so young.) Later when I went into business for myself with the help of my eldest brother, Jake, I started to break away from the family (my own family) in that I became dissatisfied with my life. Dissatisfied with my future, I felt trapped by my marriage and obligation. I asked my wife for a divorce not with a long thinking process, but almost on a whim, of a time of thoughtlessness and partly to be free. Free to do what exactly I was not sure. Later while going through the divorce I met Joslin. She was from a small village and an insular family with little education or accomplishments. She was seven years younger than me and apart from one liaison with a cousin had no real life experience. However she was far more intelligent than Millicent and far more challenging to me.
Joslin in many ways was perfect for me. We came to believe in many of the same things, we both enjoyed reading, discussing and the country life of walking and nature. Later we became vegetarian's together and animal activists in the sense of our beliefs about animal welfare. However two areas caused vexation and heartache. The first was sexual. Joslin suffered from deep depression, a lack of self-worth and appreciation of her own talents and skills. This caused in turn, her to feel that she was unlovable and could never understand my devotion to her. I loved her deeply for many years (we were together for 18) and worshipped her almost daily. This is not to say we did not argue or have unhappy moments, but over-all we were happy with each other most of the time. Sexually she was not as needy as me. I wanted sex regularly and with some variety in what we did. However it soon came to pass that sex was only on the menu when she was able to face it. She often associated sex with keeping me happy and not something she did for her own pleasure or satisfaction.
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